Confessional

There are a lot of things that I could be doing right now. All of which are probably more important, but here I am addicted to the purge.
This year started badly. For example, New Year’s Eve my spouse announced, at the last minute I might add, that he did not want to spend the evening with me. I’m a big girl, so I finished packing my bag and spent the evening, as planned, with friends. Could this be a sign that the marriage is in trouble? Yes, the marriage is far beyond repair. It would be painful to watch if it was happening to someone else, but it isn’t happening to someone else it’s happening to me. Most of the time I wish I could fast forward to the end and skip all the messy parts. You know what I mean, the guilt, name-calling, divisions of property, and deciding who gets custody of the pets. Divorce is never easy. Anyone who says any different is liar. Even if you have grown to hate the other person, it is still painful. If you still care, even if you don’t know why, it’s a thousand times worse.
The trust is gone from my marriage and I can’t get it back. I don’t want to bore you, but he was unfaithful. It was a few years ago. I know he was depressed. Screwing around is what a man does when he’s faced with some crisis. Ok, I can accept that, fine. He denies that he was sleeping around. However, I have proof. Proof that he doesn’t know exists. He was careless, as most men are, and so, I placed the evidence in my lingerie drawer. Everyday morning I put on my panties and I see the proof of my husband’s infidelity.  Therefore, if anyone reading my blog is in a judgmental mood, BACK OFF! I have spent a good portion of my life loving a man Jesus couldn’t save, and now, I’m tired.
This past year, I met someone. I could have easily had an affair with this man. I didn’t. The almost affair illuminated an already troubled relationship. Did I really want this man? I don’t know anymore. I’m beginning to believe that what I hoped to gain was the courage to end my marriage. Silly girl that I am, I thought an affair would make that easier. Honestly, I can’t claim to be relieved that it didn’t happen. My only sin is that I still think about him. I shouldn’t. It’s a decadent waste of time and time is a luxury I can no longer afford.
     Therefore, this year begins with a confessional. I absolve myself of all the sins I didn’t commit. I can’t claim that my soul feels any better.