Chance Meeting

I met someone, someone I would like to know better. I wonder if I‘ll get the opportunity. If he starts weighting the pros and cons, I think he will come to the brilliant conclusion that I’m not worth the trouble. In fact, I’m willing to bet that he runs for the hills screaming, the horror, the horror, while burning my phone number. At best, he’ll say to himself, “What the hell was I thinking.”
I asked myself, “Self why are you such a nightmare?”
Self answered, “Because you are a married nightmare you big stupid or did that slip your mind?”
“Geez, that totally slipped my mind. I guess that makes me a bit of an inconvenience.”
“Ya think!”
So if I never hear from him that will be completely understandable, regrettable, but understandable. I didn’t lie about being married. I was very upfront about it even if I didn’t answer his questions about my husband. I appreciated that he let me off the hook when he saw that I was not immediately forthcoming.  I just didn’t want to talk about it or get into specifics. I’m wondering why I behaved that way. Usually I’ll tell anyone anything they want to know about me. Why so closed. Maybe I felt like I needed to explain myself. You know what, I can’t, and it’s too complicated. If I heard that it’s complicated crack from a man, I’d say bullshit. At least that’s what I would have said before. What’s strange is that I don’t feel guilty.  I always thought that I’d go through some painful transformation. It didn’t happen. Everything unfolded calmly and naturally as breathing. I was abnormally comfortable with him. It was nice, very nice. He is much too young for me on top of everything else. I said I would never get involved with someone younger again. My husband is younger than I am.  I don’t have a single male friend who would have a problem if the roles were reversed. A man and a younger woman is a cause for celebration in the male realm. Why am I allowing cultural programming to affect my feelings for another person? Am I trying to equate age with maturity? That is not necessarily how it works, does it. Well, I’ll see what happens. At any rate it was very nice meeting you.